12:33a

This entry is dedicated to him (my ex). These are my unasked, unanswered questions and unsaid comments.

You know what I find surprising? The fact that you can forget about what we had so quickly. When we do something and it reminds me of “us”, I guess you notice it in my face and ask me what’s wrong. I just give you this look, you should know that it reminds me of “us”. How can you act so clueless and stupid? You know, it’s like your trip to Mexico just erased everything that we had. I don’t know what exactly that was, but I know it was great. Maybe we moved too fast. I don’t know, but when I was with you, I felt great. I felt comfortable with you. I could tell you anything and act like a complete idiot. I think what ruined us is all the rumors at work that you chose to believe. And of course your flirting with my ex-friend/roomate.

When you talk to her on the phone, it’s like you’re a different person: your voice, your tone, your personality changes. I don’t understand what you guys have: you fight one minute, then you’re all lovey-dovey the next. You complain about her one minute, then you pick up the phone when she calls. I can’t understand how you don’t get tired of her jealousy and her constant checking up on you. It drives me insane. It even drives your mom insane! How are you going to be with a girl that not even your mom, your grandma, nor the rest of your family like?!

It amazes me how you can call her on the phone and still want to try to sleep with me as soon as you’re done. I want to know what the fuck is going through your head when you do that. Do you think you can get whatever you want? Do you think you’re that awesome? No. You can’t be with her and sleep with me, like I’m your sex doll. Fuck you. If you really care about her and love her, you wouldn’t want to still try to be intimate with me. Choose one and stick to that person.

Another thing that surprises me is how you can be so fucking blind! I help you with anything I can and however I can. I help you financially, at work, at home. Financially: I help you with gas, fixing your car, pay your phone bill, etc. At work: I help bus your tables when you have to finish your sidework, greet your tables, etc. At home: I wash and fold your clothes, clean the bathroom, clean your bed, etc. What other girl would do that and want to stay with you when you’re carless and broke? I doubt your girlfriend in Mexico would do that. She’s only with you because you send her money when you can. Maybe that’s just in my opinion.

You know what amazes me the most? It’s the fact that I still, so badly, want to try to be with you. That I still want you to have the feelings I had for you, for me. After everything that happened. But, I tell everyone and I try to convince myself that I don’t want to be with you and that I don’t to be anything else but to be friends with you. Maybe I just need to be away from you for a while. Maybe I need a break from you. Maybe I need to just forget about trying to be with you, all-in-all.

Last thing I want to say is thank you. Thank you for being an example of someone I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with. Thank you for making me feel the way I felt with you. I never got that with anyone else. Thank you for making me feel beautiful and giving me a little more confidence than what I had. Thank you for the memories.

I’m strong and I will get through this. :)